Dave and the Giant Pickle Script
Dave and the Giant Pickle © 1995 Big Idea Productions, Inc. BOB (from intro) ... I’m going to tell you a story about a boy named Dave. Dissolve to desert/pastoral setting. Camera pans down herd of sheep. BOB Now, Dave lived in a land called Israel a long, long time ago. So long ago that there weren’t any cars, or telephones, or vacuum cleaners, or anything! There were mostly just ... sheep. Especially around Dave’s house - because Dave was a shepherd. (Camera passes Jimmy Gourd) N-no, that’s not him. That’s one of his brothers. (Camera passes Jerry Gourd) Nope. Another brother. (Camera passes Tom Grape) Ahhh ... nope. Another brother. Dave had a lot of brothers! (Camera continues) Aha! There he is! (Camera stops on sheep) No, not the sheep! He’s behind the sheep. Uh ... shoo ... there, fluffy! (Sheep walks offcamera, revealing Dave behind.) JR. Hi, I’m Dave. I have a lot of brothers. BOB Yep. Seven, to be exact. (pause) Now, Dave and his brothers spent most of their time in the fields taking care of their sheep, which could be hard work because their sheep had an unusual problem ... JR. They tip over. Sheep falls next to Jr. JR. Oh, look! There goes one, now! Jr. struggles to upright the sheep. BOB But Dave had an even bigger problem. Ya see, of all the brothers, he was the smallest. JR. (struggling w/sheep) That’s right! Everybody’s bigger than I am! BOB And sometimes, his big brothers would pick on him! Sheep tips over in front of Jimmy. JIMMY Oh, Dave! One of my sheep fell over! Would you come pick it up for me? DAVE I’m kinda busy right now! JIMMY Do you remember the time we dipped you in tar and stuck you to the backside of an angry water buffalo? DAVE I’ll be right there! Sheep falls by Tom. TOM Hey, Dave! One of my sheep fell, too! DAVE Just a minute! Jerry knocks a row of sheep over. JERRY Oh, look! All my sheep fell over! ... Dave!! Dave runs from brother to brother, picking up sheep. JIMMY Oh, Dave ... after you pick up our sheep, could you run and get me a bite to eat? I’m famished! JERRY Oh, ya! Me too! Get me something, too! JIMMY Ya know, sometimes I think I could eat a whole camel! JERRY Oh, ya? Well, sometimes I think I could eat a whole spaceship! JIMMY (confused) Uh ... what’s a ‘spaceship?’ JERRY (also confused) I have no idea. BOB That’s how things had pretty much always been for Dave ... nothing really exciting happened around there ... until one day, when their dad, Jesse, came running out with some horrible news! Pa Grape runs in hollaring. He skids to a stop, knocking over a whole line of sheep. PA Whoa! Uh, Dave? Could you pick those up? Dave grimaces. PA (talking fast and semi-unintelligably) Oh! Oh, Boys! I’ve got horrible news! The Phil .... the Philis ... the Philistines are uh ... uh ... uh-tacking!! No one has a clue as to what he has said. JIMMY (after a pause) The lima beans are uh, lacking? JERRY The nectarines are ... quacking? JIMMY One more time, please ... and let’s work on our annunciation. PA THE PHILISTINES ARE ATTACKING!! They all scream, and start running around like crazy. Pa watches - becomes frightened himself - screams, and starts running around like crazy. LARRY Uh, Bob ... what are ‘Philistines?’ We’re back in kitchen. Bob is telling story, Larry is lying down with his head on a pillow. (He’s still Larry-Boy.) BOB The Philistines were people that hated Israel! They wanted to take Israel’s land and make the Israelites their slaves, so they’d have to do whatever the Philistines told them to do. LARRY Oh. That’s bad! BOB You’re right! So the Israelites needed to protect themselves! Back in story. TOM We need to protect ourselves! But how? PA King Saul is putting together an army to stop the Philistines! He needs your help! You must help save Israel!! Brothers start chanting and head off together, Dave included. PA Hey-ey-ey-ey, Dave! Where do you think you’re goin’? JR. (much enthusiasm) I must help save Israel!!! Everyone chuckles. PA It’s very nice that you want to help ... but saving a country is a big thing! You’re a little guy. Big people do big things ... little people do little things. So ... stay with the sheep. JR. But ... Everyone walks away muttering, leaving Jr. alone with the sheep. JR. They’re big ... I’m little. They go ... I twiddle ... Why can’t little guys do big things, too? Act II BOB By the time Dave’s brothers arrived at King Saul’s camp, battle lines had been drawn between the Philistines and the Israelites. And, as was the custom in their day, the armies lined up, and yelled at each other. PHIL #1 (French accent) Hallo, Israelites! You are pigs! And soon we will put apples in your mouths and stick you into our toaster ovens! Haha! PHIL #2 Ah, yes! After we defeat you, you will be our slaves and you will have to fetch us our slippers! PHIL #1 Yes! And iron our trousers! PHIL #2 Hoho! And wipe our little noses! PHIL #1 Aha! And scratch that spot on our backs that we can’t reach no matter how hard we try! Haha!! Awkward pause. PHIL #1 Don’t you have anything to say? Another pause, and then Jimmy Gourd leans forward. JIMMY Um ... do you guys have any fried chicken? I’ve got a real hankerin’ for fried chicken! JERRY Ya! Me, too! PHIL #1 (leaning to phil #2) This is going to be easier than we thought! (to Israelites) You know, I think I can save us all a lot of time. How about if we bring out our strongest man, and you bring out your strongest man, and they will fight. If our champion beats your champion, you will be our slaves. But if your champion defeats ours, we will be your slaves. What do you think about that? BOB Well, the Israelites were getting kind of tired of the yelling, and the Philistines did seem a little on the small side, so King Saul agreed. ARCHIE That seems like a reasonable idea. Allright, we agree! Send out your champion! PHIL #1 & #2 Hey, Goliath!! King Saul looks around confidently. He is sitting on a raised chair with a tray next to him, holding a glass of water. We hear a faint ‘THUD, THUD’ in the background, and King Saul notices that his water is vibrating with the ‘thuds,’ ala Jurassic Park. He looks up nervously. From behind the Philistine army appears the biggest, hairiest, ugliest pickle any of them had ever seen! King Saul’s eyelids flutter and he falls backwards off his chair. GOLIATH Who will I fight? The Israelites scatter. BOB The Israelites were so terrified of Goliath that they all ran away and hid! GOLIATH Hmm. Nobody will fight. I’ll come back tomorrow. BOB And that’s exactly what he did. Goliath came back the next day, and the next day, and the next day ... for 40 days! But everytime he showed up, all the Israelites ran away and hid! Finally, Jesse started to worry about his boys, so he sent little Dave to the battlefield with some food. Dave rides on sheep with pizza boxes on the back. BOB Now Dave got to King Saul’s camp just about the time Goliath was going to come out, so all the Israelites were hiding. JR. (riding through the empty camp) Hellooo! Is anybody here? Dave’s brothers lean out from behind a tent. JIMMY (whispering) Shhh! He’ll hear you! JR. (hopping off sheep) Who? Sheep tips over. JIMMY Him! That big pickle over there! Junior looks at Goliath. GOLIATH Who will fight me? JR. (looking back to his brothers) Well? Who’s gonna fight him? JIMMY What are you, nuts?!? He’d have us for lunch! (pause) Speaking of which, whadya bring us? JR. Here ya go. They open the pizza boxes. JERRY Mmmm! Pizza! JIMMY Oh! Cheese in the crust! That’s tremendous! JR. C’mon guys! Have you forgotten? We’re the children of God! LARRY The what?!? Back in kitchen. Larry is lying on his pillow with a large bowl of popcorn next to him. Popcorn is strewn around the counter - one piece is stuck to his forehead. BOB The children of God. The Bible says that the Israelites were God’s chosen people! God led them through the desert, he helped them walk across the Red Sea ... and whenever they went into battle, God was there with them. They had always known that if God was on their side, no one could stand against them! LARRY Wow. BOB But King Saul and his men were so scared of big, tall Goliath, they forgot that God was even bigger! LARRY Oh, dear! BOB (looking at popcorn on Larry’s forehead) Uh, Larry ... you’ve got something on your, uh .... LARRY (not registering) Huh? BOB Oh, nevermind. Once again, no one would answer Goliath’s challange. Back in story. GOLIATH Huh. No one to fight. (pause) They told me that you were the children of God .... You are cowards! I come back tomorrow. JR. I can’t believe you’re letting him say that! Somebody’s gotta do something! Dave turns and heads off across the camp. JIMMY What are you gonna do, Dave? Remember, you’re a little guy! Leave this big stuff to us big people!! Jimmy suddenly realizes that he has walked out from behind his tent. He panics, and dives for cover. JIMMY Do you think he saw me? JERRY No, you’re okay. JIMMY Whew! 4:40 BOB Well, Dave knew exactly what he had to do ... so he went straight to King Saul, and announced his plan. Jr. bursts into King Saul’s tent. King Saul is drinking from a straw. JR. I will fight Goliath!! King Saul violently spits out water. BOB King Saul took the news rather well. ARCHIE I’m sorry ... my ears must be failing ... I could have sworn I heard you say that you’d fight Goliath ... but you didn’t say that, did you? JR. Yes ... I did. ARCHIE Oh. (pause) I say, that’s very kind, but ... let’s be reasonable! You are a tiny little fellow! And, well, Goliath ... he’s ... he’s ... enormous!! No, no, no, no ... that’s a job for a big person, not a little boy like you! Jr. looks off, expectantly - music starts. Archie looks around. ARCHIE You’re not going to sing, are you? Jr. nods. ARCHIE Couldn’t you just play your harp and I’ll throw things at you? Jr. shakes his head. ARCHIE Oh. JR. You’re big ... I’m little. My head only comes to your middle ... But I say little guys can do big things, too! ARCHIE Yes, but ... Goliath! He’s ... JR. He’s big ... But God’s bigger! And when I think of Him that’s when I figure - With his help little guys can do big things, too! ARCHIE Oh. I see what you’re saying! (In rhythm) Allright, I understand ... now let’s suppose that this is true. You still look rather wimpy, but I know what we can do! Just step behind this curtain, it will only take a minute - There’s a closet in the corner and you’ll like what I’ve got in it! You’ll find my royal armor there, don’t dally, put it on! Yes, now you’ll look much bigger when the battle lines are drawn! One more thing you’ll need, I think - pick up my royal sword. It’s a big one, and a beauty! The best we could afford! Once you’ve got it all together, I think you will agree - You’re bound to do much better if you try to look like me! Archie smiles broadly and opens the curtain. Jr. looks ridiculous. He teeters out, wiggles the sword, and tips over. ARCHIE Oh, dear. JR. (standing) Ya know, I think maybe I should just be plain old me. ARCHIE Oh ... yes. Well ... I suppose .... But have you seen Goliath? Why, he’s ... he’s just ... I mean he’s absolutely ... As Archie stammers, Jr. does a take to the camera and the music restarts. JR. He’s big. But God’s bigger! And when I think of him, that’s when I figure ... ARCHIE (tentatively) With his help little guys can do big things? JR. With his help I know I can do big things! BOTH With his help little guys can do big things, too!! Jr. exits. ARCHIE (looking after him nervously - speaks haltingly) Allright! ... If you’re sure you know what you’re getting into ... (pause) Oh, dear. Fade to black. Act III BOB Well, Dave wasn’t exactly sure what he was getting into, but he knew God would be there with him. So he went down to a stream and found five smooth stones. Then he went back to the camp, and waited for Goliath. Brothers are milling about in camp. Goliath emerges. GOLIATH Who will fight me? Everyone stops and stares at him. JR. (offscreen) I will fight you, Goliath! JIMMY Ya know, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that sounded like Dave! TOM & JERRY (chuckle) Ya! Jr. runs out toward Goliath TOM Ya know, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that looks like Dave! JIM & JERRY (look closely) Huh? Jr. looks back and smiles at his brothers. JIM, JERRY & TOM Dave?!? Jimmy faints dead away. BOB Goliath was equally surprised. GOLIATH (looking around) Who said that? JR. Ahem. I did! GOLIATH Huh? Goliath finally spots Jr., and starts laughing. all Phillistines laugh. GOLIATH Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks? Phillistines laugh. JR. (looks puzzled) I don’t exactly know what you mean ... but you are not a dog, you are a really big guy that wants to beat me up! And I come at you not with sticks but in the name of the God of Israel, who this day shall help me defeat you!! GOLIATH (stops smiling) We will see who defeats who! Now we fight!! Goliath whirls away from Jr. Phil #1 It’s showtime!!! Hammer hits bell. Goliath whirls back to Jr. His bathrobe is gone - he is now in boxing duds with huge red boxing gloves. He begins moving toward Jr., jabbing menacingly. Jr. throws off his hat, then throws down the stones and a sling. He bends over, and stands up with the sling around his hair. He spins it faster and faster. Everyone watches - confused - becoming almost hypnotized by the spinning sling. Finally he releases it, and the stone sails thru the air, striking Goliath on the forehead. Everyone watches as Goliath blinks, hesitates, then falls on his face. Jr. dives out of the way, narrowly avoiding being crushed by the giant. The Israelites erupt in celebration - the Phillistines panic and scatter. BOB The Phillistines were so scared of Dave, that they all ran away and hid ... and Israel was saved! Jr. gets on his sheep. BOB And that’s the story of Dave ... a really little guy, who did a really big thing! Dave is riding off into the sunset on sheep. Iris wipe down - sheep tips over. Finish wipe. THE END